The Canadian Journal of Infertility Awareness, Dec. 2002

Finding Balance Between What You Can & Cannot Control
By Vera Snow

The Canadian Journal of Infertility Awareness, Dec. 2002

Finding Balance Between What You Can & Cannot Control
By Vera Snow

It's easy to think you have control over your infertility. It's harder to think you may be powerless over it. Which one is true? Actually, both are true. The problem is distinguishing between where your responsibility begins and where it ends. Knowing when to focus your energy and knowing when to give it up to something bigger than yourself.

The culture behind treating infertility is rooted in control. After all, we live in a "Just Do It" society, so it's not surprising that we would approach having a baby in a similar fashion. Your story may look similar to this: finding the love of your life, getting married, buying a home, getting financially stable and finally preparing to build a family. Life is supposed to be one big package deal, right? If one of these things doesn't fall into place it's considered an utter failure, sound familar?

So if you're wondering why infertility poses so much stress and anxiety, it may just come from this ALL or NOTHING attitude. If we can't have it all, then we are taught to fix it. Infertility, however, is unique in its challenges because it causes you to examine some fundamental questions. You begin to experience things that no longer fit the mold. You are forced to think outside-of-the-box. One of your first questions may be: "Why is this happening to us?" Finally, you may even end up asking the ultimate question: "Who is in charge of life, the world, the universe anyway?"

Though these questions are important and even healthy for your own personal growth, they can apply to any life situation that challenges your balance. Infertility is no different. It forces you to think about what it is you can control and what it is you can't control. Yes, no matter how heartless and unrelenting infertility can be, it is still up to you to decide how, when and where you want to focus your energies, and therefore, how, when and where you want to let go.

Let's take a closer look at what you can control in regard to your infertility and what it is that you can't control. For instance, grief and loss is a familar and necessary aspect of infertility. It is necessary because it leads to healing and resolution. Unfortunately, precious energy is often used to block and squelch the mourning process paving the way for despair and even depression. Instead of trying to deny the grief and loss, which is a normal stage of infertility, why not encourage yourself through it? Why not help yourself grieve rather than trying to bypass it altogether? Grief insists on an opportunity to play itself out. Blocking it only wastes your energy supply and allows the grief to fester and grow. Eventually, the grief will create it's own dramatic ways to vent, causing you even more pain and anguish.

Another aspect of infertility that causes undue stress and anxiety is anticipating results. Even though you can't predict the results of any particular treatment or procedure, you will usually waste an exorbitant amount of energy worrying and obsessing about it. Be assured, the results of any particular treatment or procedure can be put in the "out of your control" category. How you participate in the application of these treatments and procedures, however, is completely within your control. For instance, it is up to you to take your prescribed medications, inject your own shots, listen to your doctor's instructions and show up for your scheduled appointments. Not only that, it is also your responsbility to nurture and protect yourself so that you are in optimal mind, body, and spirit. This way of thinking could lead to long hot bubble baths before bed. Maybe even reading a novel you never had time for before? How about a "Day at the Spa"? These are all examples of how you can take control. The rest: worrying, obsessing, imagining, predicting are futile to your energy base.

So are you in control of your infertility? Yes. Are you powerless over your infertility? Yes. The point is you have to make a conscious decision about what is in your control and what is out of your control. Make every effort to enhance your energy where it is useful and be prepared to disengage your energy where it is useless. Remember, if you can find a balance when struggling with something as difficult as infertility, you will be able to deal better with any other life challenges that come your way.